The Soldiers of Amestris
by Puddycat
Summary: Somehow, they're never punished. Prank!fic, non-crack, oneshot series.
1. Chapter 1

Inspired by a legendary prank at Cambridge University involving a bus and a courtyard (although they were more imaginitive, and didn't cheat with alchemy...)

Disclaimer - I'm not Japanese, and my self-portrait is not a really awesome cow. So no, I'm not Arakawa-sensei, but I do borrow her characters for abuse in non-profit products of boredom such as this.

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><p>Edward was bored; he was waiting for Roy to return to the office so he could hand in his report and be done with it, but the bastard was in a meeting when he arrived. Riza then suggested he help out with the piles of paperwork – the other soldiers had gestured for him to run, but Edward could see Riza's hand resting on her gun holster – so he was stuck there until Roy returned.<p>

The office was warm and smelt of coffee and cigarettes, and after only a few minutes Edward's head was resting on the desk with a pencil balanced between his nose and pursed upper lip. The corner of the chair was digging into the backs of his legs, and he began timing how long it was taking him to lose the feeling in his feet. He was staring over at the door trying to calculate how wide it was and what one could fit through it when the pencil fell from his lip as he sat up and began smiling.

"I've got an idea..."

"No," Riza said.

"It'll only take a couple of minutes, it won't disrupt things at all."

"No."

"What if I promise to help out with the paperwork for the next two days?"

"What do you want to do?"

(-)

The corridor smelt strange; usually it held the scent of air freshener and paper, but as Roy walked towards his office he could swear it smelt of exhaust fumes. There were soldiers milling about outside the door, too, each of them smirking as they saluted. Roy figured they overheard Edward ranting about being kept waiting by 'that bastard Colonel' telling him to come and hand in his report while he knew he would be in a meeting, and were hanging around to listen to the fireworks.

But the office was quiet. Too quiet.

Roy paused for a moment outside the door; he could hear nothing but the occasional sigh and shuffle of paperwork. The men weren't even _talking_. Riza usually allowed them to chat, at least, although Roy hadn't seen her that morning – she could be in a horrendous mood for all he knew.

He braced himself, twisted the handle, pushed open the door, and there, right in the middle of the office, was a car.

"Hey, boss," Havoc said from the driver's seat. His expression was one of pure boredom as he glanced up from the paperwork he had on a clipboard resting against the wheel.

"..."

"There should still be some coffee in the pot."

"..."

"Good morning, Sir, I trust the meeting went well?" Riza saluted, her own clipboard resting on the car's hood and her face poker-straight.

"Why is there a car in the middle of my office?"

"Well, Sir, technically this isn't _your_ office – it's the main office. Yours is through there," Falman told him sagely, pointing to it over the car.

"In that case, would someone mind telling me why Havoc appears to have driven a car through the door and parked it in the main office?"

"Don't be silly, Sir, he couldn't have done that," Riza said. "The doorway is too narrow."

From the back seats of the car, Roy heard Breda and Fuery begin coughing furiously at the exact same time and saw Edward smirking in the passenger seat. "You," he growled.

"You rang?" The blonde looked up with a bright smile on his face, his own clipboard resting against the dashboard.

"You're behind this."

"What, the car? I'm actually inside it."

"Get it out of here. Now."

"How? You heard the Lieutenant, the doorway's too small."

Roy's eyes narrowed as he pulled a stub of chalk from his pocket, scrawled an array on the wall and pressed his hand flat against it. A large gap appeared where the wall had been, more than big enough for the car to fit through "You make a hole. You drive the car through the hole. You close the hole. That requires an alchemist, and as the only alchemist in the room I'm holding you responsible."

"I didn't get the car in here. I don't have a license, it would be irresponsible of me to drive," Edward said, shrugging and giving his best impression of an angelic smile.

"He also isn't currently the only alchemist in the room," Falman said helpfully, nodding towards Roy.

"And it wasn't necessarily an alchemist that put a hole in the wall then repaired it – a really fast builder could have done it just as well," Havoc added, the others nodding in agreement.

Roy glared at each of them in turn. "Just get it out."

Breda and Fuery climbed out from the back seats as Riza and Falman opened some windows before Havoc turned the ignition and revved the car back into life. Edward stayed in the car with him, lounging against the door and gazing out the rolled-down window. As they cruised out into the corridor the soldiers outside began cheering and applauding; Roy expected Havoc and Edward to join in, but instead they merely acknowledged the praise with a few casual nods and waves. Back inside the office the others were dragging the tables back out from Roy's office, coughing slightly as the fumes cleared.

"Will someone please explain to me what the hell that was?" Roy asked.

"Equivalent exchange, Sir," Riza said. "Edward promised he'd help out with paperwork for the rest of the day if I let them put the car in the office."

"You didn't have to play along," Roy pouted.

"Yes, that wasn't part of the deal," Riza admitted.

"Then why?"

"The look on your face amused me, Sir."

Roy pouted for a moment more before shaking his head, gathering up some paperwork and heading for his office. "I hate you all," he muttered.

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><p>I'll be doing more of these as and when I get ideas - the next chapter will be Roy's revenge - but in the mean time, what did you think of my first foray into the realm of FMA prank!fic?<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Yet another one inspired by goings-on at Cambridge... It's handy having a friend there, no?

Disclaimer: I'm not Japanese, and my self-portrait is not a really awesome cow. So no, I'm not Hiromu Arakawa. I am, however, someone who uses her work for non-profit products of boredom and assignment-dodging such as this. Enjoy.

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><p>The boy was asleep in the office; Roy had to be threatened at gunpoint before he promised to not wake him up, no matter how funny it would be, so he had been staring at the blond since the others left wondering what else he could do. He considered piling object on top of him, but there wasn't much in the office he could put on the boy without squashing him. He was also certain Riza would count that as waking him up, so that idea was out, as was waiting until he was awake to do something – the last few times Edward had fallen asleep in the office, he had stayed there until the morning.<p>

So, something Roy could do while Edward was asleep that wouldn't wake him.

He knew from experience not to touch him – his wrist was almost broken and Havoc received a bloody nose the first and only time they tried – so he couldn't draw on him or rearrange his position, and dipping his hand in warm water just wasn't classy.

Water... Hmm...

If the storeroom had what he needed and Edward remained asleep, it would be a long night. Roy weighed up the pros and cons and in less than a minute decided that it would be very, very worth it.

(-)

Sunlight was glaring through the window as Edward woke up. He reached up to rub his eyes with his left hand, then let it drop to hang over the sofa. His hand brushed against something, and he felt about still with his eyes shut against the light. Circles. Several circles, all a few inches above the floor. He frowned, opened his eyes and turned his head to see.

Every flat surface in the office was covered with plastic cups filled with water.

The small table, the desk, the cabinets, the entire floor was covered with them. He rolled over and leant over the edge; even the floor beneath the sofa and desk was covered with them. The only space free of the cups was a small area clear for the door to open and close.

"What the hell?"

(-)

Roy looked up from his paperwork and smirked.

"What did you do to him?" Havoc asked, staring over towards the inner office.

"Why don't you see for yourself?" Roy stood and walked over to the door, opening it and looking in at the boy. Havoc peeked over his shoulder and snorted – Edward was kneeling on the sofa, staring around the room, still in a daze from sleep and looking for all the world like a small child.

"I don't get it," the boy said.

"You aren't meant to, but I assure you it's amusing from over here. And just so you know, if you get the floor wet you'll suffer a penalty. The same goes for if you use alchemy on the cups."

Edward scowled and put his hands down. "So how the hell do I get out?"

"That's your problem." The colonel smirked and went back to his seat, leaving the door open so they could watch.

Edward poked at the cups; they were all stuck to each other, destroying his first plan of moving a few and stepping in the gaps. He couldn't move them, and he couldn't use alchemy...

Wait.

He was only banned from using alchemy on the cups – Roy hadn't said anything about not using alchemy on anything else in the room. Sitting up straighter, he looked around and made a list of what was within reach. No, that wouldn't do – the cups were attached, and he couldn't break them apart without alchemy. He'd get the floor wet if he tried it without, and he didn't want to see what Roy considered a penalty.

So that left manipulating the actual floor.

Edward looked around him some more – on closer inspection, the cups weren't all attached to each other; they were in groups of thirty or so. He could work with thirty or so.

Outside, Roy heard Edward clap his hands together.

"Remember, I said no alchemy on the cups," he called.

"Who said I was using it on the cups?" Edward shouted back over the crackle of alchemy and a loud rumbling.

The floor boards fractured into blocks beneath the groups of cups and rose up on stilts a few feet high, forming a clear path to the door without tipping any of the cups. Edward slid off the sofa and ran in a crouch underneath, making it to the door and out into the office beyond. He stood for a moment looking back into the room, then turned to smirk at Roy.

"My turn next."

As he began walking towards the main door, it opened and Riza entered with a small stack of files.

"What happened in there?"

"Ask him," Edward smiled brightly and practically skipped out into the corridor.

"Colonel... What did you do?"

"I think I just started a war..."

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><p>I realise I was lazy with this, and it's short, but I'm in the mood for fanfics (read: avoiding uni work) and this was already half-done. Regardless, thoughts? Comments?<p> 


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